Observations upon finding myself in a benighted cafe where every damned yuppie family in Palo Alto has brought their screaming child and/or howling dog, and which is also full of pigeons that have completely lost their fear of humanity and fly right into your fucking face.

Vasectomies only cost a grand, tops. This is wonderful! I’m tempted to schedule one immediately.

These horrid parents seem to subscribe to the notion that if they let the little bastards scream their little satanic hearts out and otherwise run amok, the gaping maws of the poisoned fruit of their loins will eventually shut out of sheer vocal exhaustion. Or maybe they don’t care whether or not the monsters shut up, and they take the foul creatures to public places only so other people can be a buffer between them and their own screaming spawn.

It’s the appeasement theory of parenting.

Brat: Mommy! I want Austria! I WANT AUSTRIA!!

Mommy: Here you go. Here’s an nice anschluss for you.

ten minutes later

Brat: Mommy! I WANNA CONQUER CZECHOSLOVAKIA! WANNA! MORE TERRITORY!! AND I WANNA RUN AROUND AND SCREAM RIGHT IN THE EAR OF THAT GUY WHO IS TRYING TO WRITE A DISSERTATION PROSPECTUS!

Mommy: Ok, run along and have your fun. Just please don’t set the dog on fire or kill any Jews.

ten minutes later

Brat: MOMMY! That Jew over in the corner looked at me funny! And now he’s hiding in Poland! Can I have some tanks? Pleeeaaassseeeee?

Mommy: Here’s a panzer brigade. Now go along and play by yourself, mommy has to go to the farmers’ market. Oh, Adolf! You set Cerebus on fire! Now it’s yapping like a maniac. On your way to conquer Poland, grab the flaming dog and toss it in the lap of that grad student who’s trying to work, ok?

Brat: Ok mommy! Have fun shopping for rugs, and be sure to vote against public transportation so that lousy grad student can’t easily escape to San Francisco!

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6 Responses to “Observations upon finding myself in a benighted cafe where every damned yuppie family in Palo Alto has brought their screaming child and/or howling dog, and which is also full of pigeons that have completely lost their fear of humanity and fly right into your fucking face.”

  1. deanna Says:

    You are funny as hell and this should be a script for some movie

  2. Daniel S. Goldberg Says:

    I’m a yuppie parent, and concur that this is screamingly funny. FWIW, Paul, you can be a parent and still be horrified at the behavior of the parents. My wife and I are constantly stunned at that kind of shit. If you’re kid is behaving brattastically in a public space, you needs to up and removes said chillens.

    What’s that? They are ruining your attempt to play adult? Actually, refusing to remove them is good evidence you are doing little more than playing.

  3. Paul Gowder Says:

    Thanks. :-) Funny for me is simply channeling my situational insanity into text.

  4. Arvita Says:

    Now I understand why our let’s grab coffee and study in proximity thing is so unproductive for you – you’re too busy blogging!

  5. miette Says:

    You better make sure your Postmaster has your current address, because the memo is out: a child is society’s burden, and for you even to suggest anything to the contrary makes you a soulless monster. And probably a secret pervert.

  6. Paul Gowder Says:

    I’ll accept the former but not the latter. All my perversions are quite public & children are not among them.

    (I love your storytime blog concept, by the way. You should do Kafka’s Investigations of a Dog, although it’s perhaps a bit long.)

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